Gloria Christie-The Christie Group
Change & Problem-Solving
Making Hard Simple
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PREVIEW OF BLOG COMING SOON!
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PREVIEW OF BLOG COMING SOON!
The Mystery of What We Do For Fun
I LOVE A MYSTERY
by Gloria Christie
Bookstore Closed in 2012
THE PHILOSOPHY OF CHANGE
Maybe six months after my mother died in 1981, I was invited to a friend's wedding. So I thought I would paint the newlyweds a picture. Yet my style of painting was completely different. Before it was stilted, traditional folk art. But as I put my paintbrush to canvas, "Ortega" leaped onto it.
I don't know what caused the difference, except I had read a biography of my favorite painter, Georgia O'Keeffe. Maybe I absorbed something that translated itself onto my art.
And there was no way I could let go of, "Ortega". So I quickly painted another like piece to gift.
"Ortega"
by Gloria Christie
1982
Of course my mother's death forced change upon my sisters and me in a most dramatic way. Any time one person changes, we must change our life around the new them. In Mom's case, the absent her.
by Gloria Christie
1982
The day after she died I was no longer a daughter of a brilliant, strong-willed woman who reared through life like a wild, black stallion. No I was set free of her constraints, her wishes, her commands. And quite frankly I wasn't exactly sure how to be without her.
The unrestrained me burst upon the canvas. The rest of me was in freefall. I felt as if I had lost my boundaries, which was a bit alarming. But life fell into place in big pieces rather quickly. With great strides I felt my way to my new life's edges and found new boundaries - that is until my sister died.
As an adult, she was my best friend and wisest advisor. But I was six years older and raised her - making her my lost child. When we were children, I was her fierce protector by day and comforter by night when she was afraid. In life she was a tall, regal woman nursing those with Alzheimer's by loving them.
Her death left a hole the size of an inner-tube where my organs had once been. The hole isn't gone, but it is a narrow shadow now, filling with the changes in my life her death implemented. It has been a long process, each piece of modified me just a sliver slipped into the hole, one after another after another.
Who am I without Barbara, without her presence to shape my life around? Learning that is a slow process. I resist these changes, because I didn't want her to leave me. As if that would bring her back.
But when I let go, life presents itself. Four columns in four very different publications written in four different voices, each floating upon a raft of changing culture. The internet blogs that ride through the ether more solidly tethered than the tangible publications we hold in our hands.
Three weeks after Mom died, I broke my leg getting out of bed. As I turned spiral breaks worked through my tibia and fibula and skin. Somehow my ankle shattered. They couldn't operate, so I spent six weeks in a wheelchair, six weeks with a walker and the rest of eight months limping with a cane.
After Barbara died, my systems faltered then sputtered back to work. Oxygen-starved red blood cells, gastric malfunction, connective tissues gone awry, my metabolic self shutting down. I don't handle loss easily. I doubt many of us handle death well.
I think there is much wisdom in, "It's their time."
I could have left maybe five times due to illness. But I didn't. Instead I stay. Maybe the illness is resistance to the change that death forces upon me. Maybe.
I say there are plenty of companies that would rather die than change. I say change or die. Maybe I should listen to my own words. Maybe I should quit resisting and let the changes wash over my life.
As (almost) Always,
Gloria Christie
As (almost) Always,
Gloria Christie